The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

On HPHS Approved Book List
Approved for unrestricted use in the curriculum, but not in use at this time.


“I spent HOURS in the bathroom with a magazine that has one thousand pictures of naked movie stars: Naked women + right hand = happy happy joy joy. Yep, that’s right, I admit that I masturbate. I’m proud of it. I’m good at it. I’m ambidextrous. If there were a Professional Masturbator’s League, I’d get drafted number one and make millions of dollars. And maybe you’re thinking, ‘Well, you really shouldn’t be talking about masturbation in public.’

Well, tough, I’m going to talk about it because EVERYBODY does it. And EVERYBODY likes it. And if God hadn’t wanted us to masturbate, then God wouldn’t have given us thumbs.” Rowdy said. 

“I’m not a tree fag,” I said. 

“Then how come you like to stick your dick inside knotholes?” 

“I stick my dick in the girl trees,” I said.

“You should get a boner!  You have to get a boner!”  Gordy shouted.  “Come on!”  We ran into the Reardan High School Library.  “Yes, yes, yes, yes,” Gordy said.  “Now doesn’t that give you a boner?”  “I am rock hard,” I said.  Gordy blushed.

“Did you know that Indians are living proof that niggers fuck buffalo?”